Do or Die (1991)
Back of the box...
“Playboy centerfolds Dona Speir and Roberta Vasquez are two undercover federal agents targeted for revenge in this sexy action thriller. An international crime boss (Pat Morita) masterminds a deadly game of retaliation to teach the meddling feds a lesson they won’t forget. The rules are simple - win or die! From sun-drenched Hawaii to sizzling Las Vegas to steamy New Orleans, high-speed chases and high-tech weapons can’t stop the gorgeous agents. With a little help from Erik Estrada and friends, they outwit their opponents and prove that when it comes to fighting crime, it’s truly survival of the fittest.”
Director: Andy Sidaris
Starring: Dona Speir, Erik Estrada, Pat Morita
Watch the Trailer
Dona Speir is back as Federal Agent Donna Hamilton in Do or Die, the sixth installment in Andy Sidaris’ Triple B (Bullets, Bombs, and Boobs) action/adventure series. Hang onto your butts as Donna lounges around with her tits out while accepting poorly written expositional praises about her being a “top agent.” When the shit hits the fan, she squeals like she just saw an icky spider as bullets whiz past her until someone (a dude) comes to the rescue. Honestly, the constant boob shots and random sex scenes are fine—we get it—but why does she have to be so pathetically bad at a job she claims to have 30 confirmed kills and 4 presidential commendations for? That’s right, you heard it here first, an early 90’s straight to video action movie starring Playboy Playmates is sexist!
You might be wondering why we’re posting part six of a film series without the previous five. Well, do you really think it matters? We don’t. Besides, we posted the second film, Hard Ticket to Hawaii, earlier this year without even knowing it was sequel! A few things seem to have changed in the interim; Edy Stark (Cynthia Brimhall) is now an awful, terrible, country singer and we think Sidaris may have actually learned some restraint as he makes us wait a full six minutes for the “finally” moment (aka, first appearance of boobs). Hard Ticket to Hawaii had us in boob territory in under two! These films aren’t just about boobs though, they’re also about vehicles, real and remote control. Do or Die features an assortment of cars, dune buggies, jeeps, planes, helicopters, amphibious planes, boats, jet-skis, dirt bikes, and remote control helicopters. We even visit a quarter-scale remote control airplane show where the announcer promotes what we assume is the hobby shop where Sidaris buys all of these toys. The man knows what he likes. Good for him.
While enjoying a luau, government agents Donna (Dona Speir) and Nicole (Roberta Vasquez) are told that someone outside wishes to speak with them. It turns out to be the ruthless crime lord Kane (Pat Morita), who informs them that at noon on the following day, “a game” will begin and they will be hunted by six teams of assassins. While Kane’s henchmen restrain and distract the two women, a tracking device is attached to Donna’s watch allowing Kane to follow their every move. Later in the evening, the girls are soaking in a hot tub (Hard Ticket to Hawaii call-back!) and decide they should follow the normal chain of command and tell their boss about the threat against their lives. His response is to order them to fly to Las Vegas as he assembles a team of agents to protect them including Erik Estrada, some douchey dudes, and couple of Playboy Playmates. Their adventure starts in Vegas but continues on to New Orleans and Texas, all the while taking out assassins and finding really inopportune times to bang each other.
Holy shit this movie is stupid! But, honestly, if it was any less stupid it would just be boring. Yelling at the screen as the film’s braindead “top agents” stumble from one idiotic scene to another while inept assassins follow behind like lemmings marching to their death is almost all Do or Die has to offer. That and a near sex scene for Pat Morita. (Editor's note: Pat Morita’s almost sex scene is a reason to avoid this movie). For a movie about people being hunted by relentless assassins, it’s shocking how much time the characters spend just hanging out. They lounge around in hot tubs, go out for lunch, they have poorly timed sex breaks during highly dangerous situations and in one heated moment of in-fighting, someone says “let’s have some dinner and talk this out.” Either they’re complete idiots or this is some seriously next level stress management!
There are countless moments of sheer stupidity that we could probably vent about in length but we’re going to resist the urge and just mention one recurring issue. The tracking device used to follow the agents is essentially just a small box that beeps and has a light that flashes red when they’re near but, unless the device doubles as a time machine, it makes no sense! An example of this is when two assassins get jobs as cooks at a restaurant so they can poison the agents food when they stop there for lunch on their way to their top-secret, secluded hideout. WHAT!?!?! Holy shit, that’s stupid! It raises so many questions like, how long did they work there before the agents arrived? Was it a lengthy hiring process involving applications, resumes, interviews, and references? Did these assassins already have culinary backgrounds? And how in the unholy fuck could they have known they would stop there for lunch!?
If you like bad movies, and we mean really bad, you might have fun watching Do or Die. If you’re a 12 year old boy who loves remote control cars, big boobs, and doesn’t know about internet porn, you’ll love Do or Die. If you’ve got a fetish for elderly asian men and have always fantasized about getting naked and rubbing up on Mr. Miyagi, Do or Die has got what you’ve been lookin’ for. If you don’t fit any of these descriptions, you may want to pass on Do or Die.