Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987)
Back of the box...
“Randy Abilene is one hot secret agent: good looking, ruthless and a hit with the ladies.
Working from his luxury 60-foot yacht home, Randy is called on to smash an evil drugs syndicate.
For his latest assignment he is back up by three stunning and efficient female agents.
Donna one of the deadliest government operators, Taryn likes to think of herself as a female 007 right down to her English accent, and Edy who completes the team from the cafe she uses as her front.
With two cops already murdered, Randy’s crack team devise a cunning and dangerous plan to destroy the syndicate.” (We’re not suffering from head injuries, this is how the text appears on the box)
Director: Andy Sidaris
Starring: Ronn Moss, Dona Speir, Hope Marie Carlton
Watch the Trailer
Do you remember staying up late as a kid and sneaking downstairs to try to steal a glimpse of distorted boobs through the static of the Skinemax channel? Do you remember attaching razor blades around the edge of a frisbee to cut off your friends fingers when they try to catch it? How about taking your blow-up doll out for a ride on your skateboard? We sure do, and oh, to be young again. But now you can relive all of those cherished childhood memories with a little help from Andy Sidaris’ 1987 T&A action film, Hard Ticket to Hawaii! It’s the film that lets you know, “you go down on her and you’ll be kissin’ the back of my head, ‘cause I’m already gonna be there.”
Andy Sidaris, pioneer of the triple B B-movie (Bullets, Bombs, and Boobs), brings us another action packed excuse to have chicks take their tits out. Before you get all high and mighty and start throwing around hurtful words like “creepy”, “perverted”, and “old man”, we’ll have you know that his wife produced the film, as well as many other triple B features. That being said, the “finally” moment (defined by us as the first appearance of boobs in a movie) happens less than two minutes in! There’s hardcore pornography that makes you wait longer than that.
Hard Ticket to Hawaii is one of those really, really bad movies that tricks your brain into thinking you’re watching a complex plot unravel, when really it’s just a mess of incompetence your brain is struggling to make sense of. Despite the mentally taxing effort, we’re gonna try our best to explain.
After a couple of corrupt DEA agents are murdered on Molokai Island, Donna, one of the government’s deadliest operatives is called in to investigate. She’s accompanied by her friend Taryn, who is not a spy but apparently spying is like bartending, on slow shifts you call your friends to come hang out while you work. The two go undercover as pilots for the Molokai Cargo company and it’s not long before they cross paths with the drug smugglers. While flying a random couple to the island, a giant snake contaminated with deadly toxins from cancer infested rats accidently gets loaded onto the plane. After exploring the island the girls find a remote controlled helicopter with diamonds in the cockpit but before they really know what’s going on, legendary freestyle skateboarder Russ Howell opens fire on them, forcing them to flee. No time to report the incident or check in with The Agency, they head straight home and into their jacuzzi. As Donna says, that’s where she does her best thinking, which makes sense because for most of the film she’s not in a jacuzzi and she’s a fucking idiot. After some goons show up at her house looking for the diamonds and the snake escapes, Donna calls on her secret agent boyfriend, Rowdy, and his partner Jade for backup. Rounding out this Scooby-Doo cast is Edy, who owns a cafe and is, as far as we can tell, a liaison between The Agency and the agents. There are also some sportscasters and athletes hanging around the cafe for some reason. Sports aren’t really our thing, so we can’t tell you if the jocks are cameos by real athletes but what we can tell you is that one of the sportscasters is Andy Sidaris, recalling his previous career. Holy shit, this plot is a disaster! Our brains have taken enough of a beating, this is where we’re gonna give up. Anyway, lots of other things happen and it’s all hilarious. Just don’t think about it too much.
After having seen a few choice clips circulate around the web for a while, we were really excited to finally watch the full film! And it didn’t let us down in the least. Hard Ticket to Hawaii is just as hilariously bad as everyone had said it would be, and then some. The acting is terrible and reaches laugh-out-loud proportions anytime Donna encounters death. You would think a secret agent might be better equipped to handle seeing a dead body but not Donna, she covers her face and screams, “I DON’T BELIEVE IT!”, “WHAT HAPPENED!” and “SHE’S ALL TORN UP!” Although the cover might tell you otherwise, Donna is the closest thing we get to a lead. Rowdy occasionally steps in to steal the spotlight when the film isn’t just throwing random characters at us, with no introduction. It’s like you’re watching Game of Thrones when you constantly have to ask, “have we met her yet? Do I need to rewatch last season again?” The storyline with the snake just seems to exist on its own, crossing paths with our secret agents from time to time like a character from Cheers in an episode of Frasier. At one point it’s mentioned that because of all the toxins the snake is infected with, it only has 36 hours to live. So we assume when the snake isn’t on screen it’s probably jumping out of airplanes, trying Ethiopian food, or whatever the hell Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman get up to in the movie The Bucket List. The film also features a pretty sweet title song on the soundtrack that will echo in your head long after the movie has ended. We first hear the track as Donna and Taryn are flying the Molokai Cargo plane through that famous Hawaiian helicopter tour route that finds its way into so many movies. We like to think that when Jurassic Park took theaters by storm in 1993 there had to have been at least a few people who, during the iconic helicopter arrival scene, started humming the Hard Ticket to Hawaii theme song to themselves.
So, do we recommend Hard Ticket to Hawaii? Hell yeah, we do! But just in case someone didn’t pick up what we’re layin’ down here, this is a REALLY bad movie. If you’re into that kind of thing, we recommend you invite some friends over, grab a case of beer and just sit back and laugh at its ridiculous characters, over the top deaths, and flimsy excuses to get women topless. If you don’t like bad movies. . . you just really wasted your time reading this. But don’t worry, we won’t let you leave empty handed. For your efforts, take these words of wisdom by Rowdy Abeline with you wherever you go: “one man’s dream is another man’s lunch.”